Pieces of Mind Page 11

  But in terms of work, I was not only diligent, I often worked seven days a week writing and marketing my novels. I recall a time when guests of hers were over and she simply introduced me as her husband. When the topic of writers and books came up, it struck me as odd and frankly, kind of sad, that she never once uttered a word about my being a published novelist. Later on, the when the guests were gone, I asked her why she did that. Her response was, 'You already have enough of an ego.' Can you just see the steam pouring out of my ears??????

  I guess by then the marriage was over (all 36 months of it) and by that time, she'd had enough of the importance I placed on my writing and the sacrifices we all had to make in order to see a novel become a success. I can't say I blame her. However, I will say that she knew what she was getting into, since when I met her I was a novelist and when we married I remained a novelist (despite her family insisting I get a "real job in the real world.")

  There's a reason why many successful authors tend to marry and divorce several times over. The reason is simple: Our work is indeed the most important thing in our lives. Doesn't mean we don't love our kids and spoil them and dote over them. Doesn't mean I didn't love my wife. I loved her to death. But the fact is, when it came to my work schedule, nothing was going to get in the way of it. Not chores, not social engagements, not sickness, not even Christmas. Work isn't even the word for writing. It's more of a calling, a devotion to a religion. Or, maybe this will make more sense to you in a down-to-earth-way: A farmer has to get up and milk the cows and feed the chickens on Christmas morning just like any other day. The animals don't know the difference. The farmer isn't working. He's living a lifestyle and adhering to a calling that is far different from the usual 9-5, sleep, TV, bed that most people are used to. That's the precise allure of the job, no matter how hard and grueling it can be.

  I guess when people get married, they see themselves changing their partner's ways and habits to a certain extent. They envision a spouse who will be more sensitive to their needs and wants, and this can include time set aside for them. Nothing wrong with this so long as a fine balance is maintained and said spouse doesn't go overboard with the changes she intends to pursue in her man (and vice/versa naturally). But what she should realize prior to walking down that aisle is that she is marrying a writer. An artist. She is marrying someone who is indeed selfish and self-centered and full of ego. Because that's precisely what it takes to make it as a writer. It is a selfish occupation that will often cause you to lose not only marriages, but relationships and friendships of all kinds, and you, as an aspiring published author, must be prepared for that.

  Hemingway went through four wives, and many friends. But his writing was his constant. So long as he could write, his reason for living was intact. Nothing could interfere with it, and nothing would ever stand in its way. And when the words would no longer come to him, he enacted the most selfish act of all. His fourth wife Mary woke up and found his slumped over body in the vestibule of their Ketchum, Idaho home, and what was left of his brains spattered against the walls. Norman Mailer married eight times, Michael Crichton eight times, Stephen Crane eight times, and the list goes on and on.

  I'm not trying to portray a dismal picture here. I'm trying to be honest. As full-time writers who wish to work alone for hours at a time but who also wish to engage in meaningful relationships, there will come a time sooner than later that we will be accused of being selfish and full of ego. We will be accused of placing more importance on our work than we do on our children and our spouses. Even when we have become successful we will still crave attention and affirmation like a spoiled child screaming out behind a locked bedroom door. And we will want to continue to work harder than ever before.

  But if you can somehow strike a balance between the work and the ego, and your loved one's needs and wants while still achieving great success, you will be the luckiest person alive. I've yet to find a way to strike that balance and it’s cost me dearly. But I'm thankful for what I've achieved and I'm always hopeful that one day, that delicate balance will come before it's too late. For now anyway, I'd better get back to work.

  —2011

  Winners Never Quit!

  You've heard the old saying so many times you probably wanna hurl when you see it: Winners never quit and quitters never win.

  It was true back when I was playing high school football and it's still true today. Never more so than in the independent writing world. I read recently that many of the authors (up to 98% of them) who are now turning their backs on rejection for the freedom and ease of independent publishing via Amazon and other similar digital e-Book DIY programs, will eventually quit. And I mean, quit within a year of their entry into independent publishing.

  Why?

  Because they won't sell. Or, wait, scratch that. It's not that they won't sell, it's that they will perceive themselves as not selling. It's no surprise that many of these would-be authors took one look at the John Locke's of the indie publishing world and said to themselves, "Well, hell, I can do that." They logged onto Amazon KDP, downloaded their book, slapped a cover onto it, priced it at $.99 and watched it crash in the rankings like the Hindenburg into New Jersey.

  "Oh, the humanity . . ."

  What happened here?

  The instant success that these authors feel was warranted in the face of constant rejection, in the face of having to get up for a job they hate, in the face of writing friends who are becoming a success, in the face of that awful dark thing that fills your head at night when you lay it down on your pillow, just didn't arrive. At least not right away.

  But what these quitters do not see is the light at the end of the publishing tunnel. Instead of writing more books and publishing those, they will give up on indie publishing and go back to seeking out a traditional deal, which in this day and age is becoming a near impossibility, unless you are already showing some great success in the indie publishing world. See how that works now????

  For those of you committed to indie publishing no matter your sales; for those of you thinking long term; for those of you who understand that success at this thing takes time, and hitting your stride in the marketplace takes even more time and persistence, never fear. Most of the authors whom you are competing against in the indie marketplace won't be here next year. It will be the good authors who never quit who will eventually become the successes and the full-time writers.

  The quitters will get up on a bone cold, dark, unforgiving morning, fire up a cigarette, and head out to work.

  —2011

  In the Fall of the Year. Or, The Path Not Taken

  My brief ten day hiatus from the blogosphere is now officially over. My thanks to the guest bloggers who more than took up the slack. You enabled me to get through the new draft of BLUE MOONLIGHT (the sequel to the newly released MOONLIGHT RISES) while offering some sage advice on writing, marketing, and just living the literary life in this the digital age.

  I'm calling this "In the Fall of Year . . . " because even though Fall is my favorite season by far, it seems always to accompany serious change in my life and in some cases, downright turmoil. Maybe the Fall is actually no different from any other season, but that it just seems more intense since this is the time when I am at my most creative. What did Hemingway once say about the Fall: That's the time when real writers put pen to paper. But I also think it has something to do with the proximity of death in that whole the Fall-leads-to-Winter notion of the idea.

  Since my return from Europe in September I've realized several ends and even more beginnings. As for the former, my relationship with my girlfriend came to a final end, and as for the former, my son Harrison was able to take his GED exam (he assumes he passed). Now he can begin his work as a writer and video game designer in earnest. Such are his plans. His brother Jack will turn 21 in two weeks, and it will certainly be interesting, to say the least, to view my son as an adult, rather than a kid. While my brief foray into the world of independent publishing comes not to a
full closure, but rather that of a transition back into traditional publishing, I find myself at a cross-roads.

  Do I remain in Albany, and continue to forge ahead with a life here? Or, at 47, do I look for a new place to begin again? Even if it's only thirty miles away. Final destination possibilities abound inside my skull like those steel ball-bearings that bounce against the insides of a spray paint can. At one minute I'm thinking New York City while the very next, I'm thinking Florence, Italy, full-time. Both are expensive these days, so I'm also thinking somewhere out west like Boise, but then I'll look at a small Hudson River town not far south from where I live now and I think, Yah, that's the ticket . . . Small town living while remaining in the general proximity of Manhattan and just 6 hours to Europe.

  Whether I move or not, the point is not location, but transition. We all need to recognize when our entire being requires a tune-up and the best time for that is during these transitional phases. Who wants to be that fat guy sitting on the couch watching reality TV with a beer in hand chanting, "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda . . .?"

  Well, first of all I don't watch reality TV and second of all, I don't even own a TV any longer. But as we age, life becomes a slippery slope, and next thing you know, you've just spent the airline ticket money on a new LCD and a satellite hookup. Welcome to soft middle age.

  This has been one of the best years of my life in terms of career, creativity, travel, and attempting to piece together this life that I have stubbornly built for myself. The transition isn't over yet by a long shot. But sooner than later, I will be forced to make a few hard decisions and once their made, I'm going to have to stick to them.

  Now that's the scary part about life. Sticking to your decisions once you've made them.

  —2011

  The Cards You Have Been Dealt

  Five years ago I thought my novelist days were over.

  My two-book contract with Random House had not been renewed after I didn't earn out a mid-six-figure advance. I had no prospect of publishing with a new major publisher since leaving six-figures on the table was tantamount to career suicide. I could no longer afford my house, or my Jeep. My wife, who married me when things were going great in the literary life, no longer felt so eager to be married to a man who couldn't get his third book published, even after we'd just had a child together. In her defense, we were hitting financial rock bottom.

  While her family was screaming at me (sometimes literally) to "get a job" and "write on the side," they had also begun to initiate the process over which my wife would eventually cave in. Her family made her a deal she couldn't refuse: leave the bum and we'll take care of you. Buy you a new house, pay for your living expenses, help you raise your daughter.

  My wife was left with a difficult choice to make. Stick with her husband and soul mate, and work through this very hard period, or choose to side with her family. She chose the latter. In doing so she played her hand, cashed in her chips, and removed herself from the gaming table. But at least she became financially stable again and wasn't even required to get a job in order to maintain her bank account.

  I too chose not to get a job, but to stay the course of the writer. However, the hand I'd been dealt didn't look too sweet. It consisted of a whole lot of low cards with a couple of jokers tossed in. But there was nothing left for me but to stay the course no matter how bleak the future. I'd lost my wife, my child, my house, my money, and possibly, my career. You'd think I'd lose my sanity at the same time? But writing was my sanity, and it was my solace and my art, and no amount of outside pressure was going to extinguish the fire that burned from within. Call it stubbornness in the face of absolute calamity. Call it stupidity. Call it what you will. But like the bulldog that gets its arm stuck in the trap, I'd rather chew it off then die on someone else's terms.

  So what did I do?

  I downsized. I rented a 900 sq.ft. apartment with my two sons, and decided to start all over again. In other words, I didn't fold my cards, but instead, decided to persist at the gaming table and play them no matter how much bluffing and game-facing it was going to take. Curiously, in the immediate wake of my marital demise, doors started opening for me. I went back to freelance journalism, and began to build up a cache of published articles, professional blogs, global assignments and a new reputation as a foreign correspondent and photo-journalist. Within a year of splitting with my wife, I found myself on assignment in Africa, Moscow, Italy, Spain and other exotic locales. I was living and working in places like Florence, Italy for up to a month at a time, and making money at it. I became happy, but I also became a bit perplexed. Why wasn't I able to take advantage of these working opportunities when I was married? What was it about the marriage that made it impossible for me to succeed? Were the two related, or was my new found success in the absence of marriage entirely a coincidence?

  While my non-fictional life regained momentum, I also went back to serious fiction writing. I wrote MOONLIGHT FALLS, THE REMAINS, CONCRETE PEARL, and PATHOLOGICAL, all within a 36 month period. I found a new agent who loved my previously published work and the new work even more, and who committed herself to finding me a new home, even if that new home were a smaller press than I was used to. In terms of playing my hand, it wasn't a matter of walking away with the entire the pot at this point, it was a matter of getting back into the game and staying there, improving my hand the entire time with each and every ante.

  Things happened. Good things.

  I contracted with a small press for MOONLIGHT FALLS. Despite all expectations, and a new-found appreciation for social media marketing and virtual tours, it hit the hard-boiled bestseller list on Amazon and stayed there. It was my first experience ever being a bestseller of any kind. That one experience led to a new contract for THE REMAINS. One which caught me off guard. Up until a few years ago, I really had no idea what an E-Book was. But my agent was so excited about the new opportunities in this medium that she could hardly express herself without hyperventilating. She informed me that she was about to strike up a new deal with a new publisher out of Boise of all places. A new young, maverick indie publisher who was making waves in the industry by publishing mid and back-listers like me, who although previously published by major houses, had found themselves treading water in a purgatorial sea of uncertainty, disbelief and utter terror at what the future might hold.

  The indie publisher would publish THE REMAINS in E-Book first and then paper. Which at the time, I thought was bass-ackwards. Paper always comes out first, followed by the e-book and audio. My agent persevered and asked me to give it a try. There'd be no advance, but I would be offered instead a 50% royalty rate on all E-Books sold. What's more, the book would be released within two months from contract execution. Something unheard of in traditional legacy publishing realms. Believing the whole endeavor would crash and burn, I nonetheless trusted my agent, and said to myself, "What the hell!" I anted up, and stayed in the game deciding to keep on playing the new cards I'd been dealt.

  Then something wonderful happened.

  I not only hit the bestseller list in Hard-Boiled Mystery. But I hit the Romantic Suspense and Psychological Thriller lists as well. The numbers kept improving. Encouraged, the indie publisher started a new imprint for hard-boiled writers like myself. They published my former Random House books, THE INNOCENT and GODCHILD, now that the publishing rights had been released. These books would go on within six months of E-Book publication to not only make their respective bestseller lists, but to hit the overall Amazon Kindle Bestseller Lists, not just in North America, but in several European countries as well. In fact, THE INNOCENT would go on to grace the Kindle Top Ten Overall Bestseller's list for 7 weeks, and the Top 100 for almost 20 weeks. At one point I was selling 3,000 E-Books per day and moving more units than Stephen King. In the end, "Innocent" sold over 100,000 copies during the Spring rush. Within five years of contemplating cashing it all in and folding my cards, I'd become an International Bestseller. Poor Random House. If only they'd had faith that my b
ooks had the potential not only to earn out my six-figure advance but also to make a nice tidy profit, they might have kept on publishing me instead of remaindering all of my work and holding the rights hostage for ten years.

  That was five months ago. Things haven't been the same since.

  The most dramatic change has been the new cards I've been dealt. I've now signed a new lucrative contract with the renegade Amazon powerhouse publisher, Thomas & Mercer, the major player who is publishing not only my new novel, Murder By Moonlight, but nearly my entire back-list. But that doesn't mean I can't maintain my relationship with other publishers and continue to publish as an independent. It also means I will continue my work as a journalist and an explorer. Because in the end, I've learned, it's not the cards you have in your hand, it's how you play them. It's also a matter perseverance, a steadfast belief in one's self and one's talents, and an ability to keep on working even during some of the most tumultuous, depressing, and indeed, angering times you will ever experience in a single lifetime. It means developing the skills never to be defeated and to grow stronger in the broken places.

  This past weekend, my ex-wife and I took our six year old daughter for a ride out in the country to pick out pumpkins and apples. It was a bright sunny Fall afternoon on the Upstate New York/New England border with the leaves on the trees having turned all shades of brilliant red, orange and yellow. One of those days where you can get away with either a sweater or a light jacket. We spent the day as if we were a tight knit family. And in a way are tightly knit and certainly even closer than some marriages that exist in a state of siege. My ex and I were able to look into one another's eyes and realize that all the anger over what happened when my career temporarily tanked is past. There remains now only our child and bringing her up knowing that she has two parents who love her and who will be there for her thick or thin. No amount of literary success or sales can ever replace that.